Does a comment, a joke or a cold gesture hurt more than it should? Don’t worry: it happens to many of us. The good news is that, most of the time, other people’s behavior says more about their emotional state, their history or their communication skills than about your personal worth. In this practical guide I offer simple steps to gain perspective, strengthen your self-esteem and respond assertively without ruminating over what happened.
Gain perspective: it’s not all about you
Before blaming yourself, look at the context. A person’s humor, energy, health or emotional education influence how they treat others. Sometimes their bad moment catches you directly, but you are not the cause. Evaluate what happened without exaggerating: avoid “always” and “never”, and ask yourself if you are catastrophizing. Is it really the end of the world?
When something sounds odd to you, ask for clarification. A simple “Could you explain what you meant?” can prevent misunderstandings. It also helps to give the benefit of the doubt: remember your own bad days and consider that the person might later regret what they said.
Look for patterns. Do they treat everyone that way? Some people joke awkwardly or have little social awareness; others carry insecurities and, unintentionally, compete or become defensive. Even cultural differences or certain conditions can affect the social signals they send. Naming the pattern (“they get curt when they’re stressed”) will help you avoid personalizing it.
Identify your “sensitive spots”. Maybe topics like appearance, punctuality or performance touch an old wound. When you recognize it, you can say it naturally: “I’d prefer we don’t make jokes about my nose; it makes me uncomfortable.” Putting it into words greatly reduces the impact.
Reinforce your foundation: self-esteem and boundaries
Heightened sensitivity usually has a history: constant criticism, abandonment or rejection can leave a mark. Take time to understand why you get triggered like this. What exactly do you fear will happen? It’s deep work that can take weeks or months, and talking with a mental health professional can give you tools and relief.
Another key piece is emotional boundaries. If you tend to absorb what others feel, remember: their emotions are theirs and so is their management. You can accompany them, but not carry them. Practice self-soothing and separate “what happens to me” from “what happens to the other person”.
To fortify your self-confidence, return to the basics: make a list of your strengths and moments you feel proud of. Having clear goals helps; break them down into small steps and start today with one. And don’t forget your contributions: helping at home, in your neighborhood or in an organization (a school, a shelter, an association) strengthens your sense of purpose and reminds you that you matter.
Take care of your mood to be less reactive
A more stable mood cushions friction. Where to start? With small actions that add up: smile, write down three things you’re grateful for at the end of the day, or do a kind gesture without expecting anything in return. Surround yourself with people who treat you well and limit the presence of people who drain your energy or only unload their problems without reciprocity.
Your body also matters. Take care of your appearance in a way that makes you feel comfortable, maintain an open and relaxed posture, and choose clothes that make you feel good. Going out into nature, even 20 minutes a day, has a calming effect. And create: cooking, drawing, writing or tending a plant connects you with the satisfaction of doing.
Important: it’s not about “being happy” at all costs. Allowing yourself to be sad or angry, crying to a song or taking some time to feel is also healthy. Just make sure it doesn’t become a rumination loop. If you notice you’re getting stuck, try returning to the present with mindfulness, take a short walk or schedule a 20-minute “worry time” and, after that time, switch activities.
Speak clearly and act with assertiveness
When a joke hurts or a comment crosses a line, say it. Do it calmly and focus on your experience. First-person statements help avoid raising defenses: “I feel hurt when I hear that kind of comment” communicates better than “You’re always cruel.” Mind your tone, maintain eye contact and a relaxed posture: body language also negotiates.
If you receive criticism, distinguish whether it’s useful. Constructive criticism brings concrete suggestions for improvement; criticism that only disqualifies you is not helpful. You can redirect it with questions: “Which part would you change exactly? That way I can fine-tune it.” Also, when you notice the conversation isn’t moving forward or is getting heated, take a step back. Sometimes the smartest move is to pick it up later or take distance.
Keep in mind that some people use tactics that hurt: humiliating, invalidating or blaming for everything. If you feel scared, small or constantly at fault around them, prioritize your well-being and limit contact. A quick guide is to imagine it happening to someone you love: what would you advise them? Give yourself that same protection and care.
Finally, remember this guiding thread: you don’t need everyone’s approval to be okay. With perspective, self-esteem and clear communication, you’ll stop living defensively and start choosing your responses. What if today you try a small step: ask for clarification, write down three strengths or say “that way I don’t feel good”? Change starts there.
